Farmer John: An Augusta Pro Wrestling Tale

On a mild, autumn night in 1996, the Augusta High School gymnasium was packed tight with pro wrestling fanatics. The annual pro wrestling event had returned and many Augusta residents threw on their favorite wind resistant jump suits for the much anticipated entertainment. 

Many were there to see former WWF tag team champions the Bushwhackers. Luke and Butch were entirely out of shape at this time, even by their standards, and reaked of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Parents didn’t seem too concerned that their children sitting ringside had their heads licked by these 50 year old men, two days removed from a coke binge. 

The night was memorable. The event consisted of a lot of microphone feedback, spilled Mountain Dews on the tarp-covered gym floor and a few miscues from the below average performances in the squared circle. 

One match was more memorable than any. It was the midget championship bout featuring challenger and crowd favorite, Farmer John. 

Farmer John’s ring attire was a denim overall probably from Osh Kosh B’Gosh and the 4 foot tall male adult boasted a long, flowing blonde mullet that would make a Def Leppard fan orgasm. Farmer John dominated the match and the crowd loved it.

After the event, the wrestlers met with many children and wrestling fans. Farmer John was seen talking to AHS student, Brad Scolf. Brad was a pretty popular student and was a very outgoing personality outside of school. Some would call Brad a shit-talker; but what teenage boy isn’t? Brad challenged Farmer John to a fight. To Brad’s surprise, Farmer John emphatically accepted. 

And to the school lawn we go! A crowd of about 20 kids circled Farmer John and Brad. Brad wasn’t really known for fighting but one could say you wouldn’t want to fuck with Brad. He could hold his own. 

They grappled. Brad looked to be overpowering the small man. But then Farmer John quickly adjusted his grip, slipped Brad’s head under his arm and Lex Luger-suplexed the kid onto the grass. The kids watching were cheering even more loudly than when Farmer John pinned his opponent in the ring for the high prize of midget wrestling championship in whatever in the hell wrestling federation showed up that year. Farmer John helped Brad to his feet, you could see the newly found respect on Brad’s grimacing face and just like that stereotypes of vertically challenged humans were destroyed in the town of Augusta.